


On Paper

by Nibby (Schach)



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: F/M, High School Au!, Love Letters galore, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-28
Updated: 2012-09-16
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:19:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schach/pseuds/Nibby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyday Erik finds a handwritten love letter of sorts stuck under his windshield wiper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning is always so Dim.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tiwy.](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Tiwy.).



> Italics are the content of the letters.

“… _It’s funny the way we meet, almost entirely by chance. If we hadn’t met in such a way, I wouldn’t have really seen you Erik. But I did and I do.  I do see you and you only. I wish you saw me too. But the funny thing about chance is, it never works both ways...”_

The ink had started to run in places from the rain, and Erik mourned the fact that he had stayed after class. It had only started sprinkling after the bell rang and if he’d come out right then, instead of trying to cajole Mr. Shaw into giving him a better grade on his failed German project, he could have rescued the delicate scrap of paper tucked under his windshield. 

“You still getting those secret notes Erik?” Raven questioned, straining to read the words over his shoulder, but he hurriedly folded it along the same creases and shoved it as tenderly as he could into his pocket.

“Raven, where’s your brother? Why is he so slow? He knows we’re on a schedule here, I have to get home,” Erik harrumphed, swiftly changing the subject as he climbed into his car, starting it and turning the radio up before unlocking the door so Raven  could get in the car and continue the conversation. 

“I’m sure he’s coming, Erik, chill. So what does it say?” she pressed anyway, leaning over and shutting the radio off, ignoring the outraged glare Erik sent her way at touching his radio.

“Just, like, oh you know, the usual stuff I guess, the typical, ‘oh how I love thee, let me count the ways’,” he shrugged.

“Well if it says something like that you should have no problem letting me read them,” Raven huffed, crossing her arms.

She was right. _If_ it had said something like that he would have had no qualms about letting her read it.

But when he did get a letter, or sometimes after a while of nothing at all, a whole neat stack of envelopes secured with a shiny new rubberband, stuck under his windshield, it always seemed to become a personal affair.

How did one get such heartfelt letters and share them with another?

_‘… Erik, do you ever wonder if you’ll be alone forever? I do. I see couples holding hands, and I wish it was you and I, but I know that here, here in this suffocating high school wasteland, it could never be. They wouldn’t approve, and so you won’t let yourself...’_

___‘…Sometimes I watch you at lunch. The way you’ll laugh at something superficial Tony just said, only to be gazing intently out the window moments later as if wondering if this is all you are destined for… Erik you aren’t. You’re so much more than what you are allowed to be in this place…’_

___‘…Last week, Erik, I was at a party. Not my typical scene I know, but I went anyway. I saw you there. You were with Emma. You were so … involved and I went home and lay in my bed for the rest of the weekend. It was a pain to even think of breathing. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, or why I do it to myself. I so badly want that with you…. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you’re a lovely couple and I am really very sorry that I walked in on you two having sex…’_

__The letters weren’t always so heavy though; sometimes he’d get a mixed CD with titles like, ‘I only shave on Tuesdays’ or ‘If you ever wanted to crossdess, now would be the time to say so’. Other times he’d get delicious little candies, or horribly doodled pictures. And when he got nothing at all, he’d wait with bated breath for the next one.

The car door slamming snapped him back to reality, alerting him to the fact that he had once again been staring off into space day dreaming about his secret friend, like he had done at least once a day since it’d started happening three months ago and really he had to stop this.

“Sorry I’m late,” Charles sighed, “I had to find Emma Frost and give her my bio notes. She’s supposed to be my lab partner but she skips class like every single day, that bitch.”

“Charles!” Raven shrieked, making Erik swerve into another lane but she only ignored him, turning around in her seat, “You aren’t supposed to cuss in front of your big sister! Oh I’m so proud, you’re all grown up!”

“Shut up Raven, I cuss like all the _bloody_ time,” Charles countered.

“You really don’t. What’s got you so angry about Frost?” Erik asked, looking at him in the rearview mirror instead of focusing on the traffic like he should have been, trying to figure out what about his on again off again girlfriend could piss off one of the nicest people he knew.

“I just don’t like sharing my work,” Charles replied, his voice angry, and his eyes sad, but with a smile nonetheless, so Erik shrugged and decided it wasn’t his duty to worry about his friend’s kid sibling.

_‘…Most times, Erik, I see you see me, and I feel elated, but just as quickly I wither as I watch you dismiss the thought. Dismiss me and who I am. I’m trying to tell you, but you’d only return my heart with a laugh and tell me I’m not who I am, that I pretend. Well I know who I am. Do you Erik? Do you want to know who I am? I’m fucking crazy for loving you at all, that’s who I am…”_

__~~~

“Charles?”  A polite knock on his door, and Erik’s familiar voice followed close behind, saying his name of all things, making Charles almost fall off his bed.

“One minute,” Charles called snapping his journal shut, joyous to hear the sound of the lock clicking, and shoving it quickly under the other books on his desk. It wouldn’t do any good for Erik to come in his room and see the book where he waxes poetic about their love, best to hid it away and continue writing his secret letters in secret, exactly as they ought to be. Grabbing another book he flips it open to a random page and called out, “Come in.”

The door opened and Erik stuck his head around it, grinning that grin that got him whatever he wanted, and Charles won’t agree to whatever he asked because Charles has the almost nonexistent ability to say no to Erik Lehnsherr, sometimes, unlike more than half of the girl population at their high school. And he’ll not get his hopes up about the rumored male proportion.

Erik strolled into the room, looking totally at ease, like his whole existence should be able to fit so very easily inside of Charles’ small room, like he might actually belong here and be at ease. It’s only the fifth time in the four years that he’s known him that Erik has been in his room and only the second without Raven being present.

“Where’s Raven?”  Charles inquired, swiveling in his chair, swallowing roughly when Erik flopped down on the bed, his shirt rising a little and showing Charles a tiny portion of the most glorious body he has yet to see in its full glory. Fantasies and dreams notwithstanding.

“Changing her clothes so we can go stalk Hank McCoy at work,” Erik said into his pillow, “I don’t even understand her attraction. He’s a nerd, and it’s like he’s speaking another language half the time. They’re so different; I doubt they’d be happy together. But nothing I say can change her mind.”

_‘… Hey Erik, you think you know everything don’t you? I don’t even have to ask you how you would feel about us. You’d claim it to be impossible before we’d even begun, without even knowing me, not knowing how I know you. I know what joy you’ve brought me. And I also know what pain you bring me, what words you say that turn the knife in my chest. Sometimes I wonder if I have enough heart for the both of us…’_

_‘… But what if we could be, Erik? Imagine you and me. Happy.  The thought brings a smile to my face and sometimes at night it brings tears to my eyes. But I’m glad for either, Erik. At least I feel something in those moments, and I am alive then. Sometimes I wonder if you feel Erik…’_

__“Anyways, I need you to do me the biggest favor in the world.” Erik stated, sitting up and Charles can see it, can see why he loves this stupid boy. His eyes are wide and hopeful, fearful too as if Charles is the only one who can help him; the only one he would ask this of.

Stop projecting your feelings onto him, he mentally berated himself, before smiling and raising an eyebrow, “What could I possibly help you with Erik?”

“First you have to promise not to tell anyone, Charles. I mean it. Or I’ll kill you and I won’t care if Raven disapproves,” Erik threatened.

“Cross my heart, hope do die,” Charles managed to utter, freezing when Erik pulls his latest letter out of his pocket and hands it to him. He takes it with shaking hands, hoping against hope that he hadn’t been figured out.

“Read it,” Erik quietly instructed, walking over to close the door and then lean nervously against it, “Out loud please.”

“All of it?” Charles gulped, and when Erik shook his head no, he sighed and began to read aloud the last bit of the letter, the part that had taken him ages to write, and the part that had torn its way out.

“… But the funny thing about chance is it never works both ways. And when it’s late at night, and I’m all alone, I wish it hadn’t happened this way at all. I wish I hadn’t met you. Because I deserve better than the person you pretend to be.”

Charles cleared his throat, blinking away tears and hoping Erik hadn’t noticed, but when he looked up it was to find Erik leaning against the door, eyes closed.

“Is that all you wanted Erik? For me to read this letter?” Charles prompted, causing Erik to slowly open his eyes and stare at him, stare into him again, for another indispensable moment, before he’s dismissed as always. He can see it happen so clearly in those eyes he dreams of every night.

“Yes and no,” Erik swallowed, running a hand through his hair, “I, uhm, just can’t hear it in any voice but my own. I figured you being the English Lit person that you are; you’d give it a little more voice, and read it the way it’s supposed to be.”

The way it’s supposed to be. Charles almost laughs, how close Erik is to knowing, but how far he is from realizing. Oh the letters he could write off of this one encounter.

“Well I hope I uhm did his voice justice,” he offered quietly, still reflecting inward, not noticing Erik’s sudden snap to attention.

“You think it’s a guy?” Erik inquired, moving back to the bed and leaning conspiratorially towards Charles.

“Well it is masculine handwriting, but that doesn’t really mean anything. I suppose it just comes off to me as a guy… What do you think?” Charles explained, trying for nonchalance and inwardly cursing himself.

Erik smiled, one of those genuine smiles Charles only ever saw outside of school, and replied, “It wouldn’t really matter to me. This guy loves me enough to know all of my flaws, to see through all of my falsehoods and yet love me anyway, so boy or girl, I’m okay with it.”

_‘…Erik, I know that I bitch at you a lot. And I often say mean things. But I promise it’s just a misguided way for me to show you my love. I curse you and I point out your flaws. Only because I don’t know how to love you and I hate myself for walking so willingly into your trap. I want to love you, said the spider to the fly and in love I fell…’_

Charles could only utter a small, ‘Oh.’ The immediate hope blossoming in his chest almost too much for him to bear.

_‘…Erik, oh Erik, you could love me. You could do it and I know it. You know it too, Erik, in the quiet untouched parts of your heart. You know that my fragile love once recognized could bloom. It could bloom for you and you only, as beautiful as a rare winter flower under the moonlight. Erik, you could bloom too…’_

“And since I’m okay with it,” Erik continued on, “I want you to help me write them a letter back. You’re good at this kind of thing and the only friend I can trust.”

“Erik, where are you? I’m ready to go,” Raven yelled down the hall, and the moment was over.

 


	2. The Middle is the Hardest.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik replies to his letters with Charles' help. Then he sticks those under his windsheild too.

**_‘… I don’t know yet how to love you but I can try. I promise I will.  Won’t you tell me who you are? Can’t you break me free of this place? I like to think you’d try, even if I don’t see you like you say. I do know you, I know your words…’_ **

“Charles, seriously, look at this shit I wrote, I mean c’mon, this is why you have to write the letter,” Erik huffed, crashing into his bedroom the next afternoon, waving the letter in Charles’ face with far more gusto than was entirely necessary, “Read it. There is no way I can compete with his brutal honesty.”

“Erik,” Charles tsked, “Maybe he doesn’t want you to _compete_ with his brutal honesty, maybe he just wants you to see where he is coming from and _counter_ with your own thoughts and opinions.”

“Yeah, whatever, sure, just read it and tell me it’s not the douchiest thing you’ve ever heard,” Erik ordered, slapping the paper down on the desk in front of Charles, and standing over him a hand on either side of the desk around him.

Charles didn’t know what to do. On one hand, he got to read Erik’s letters, and he got to see Erik stress over trying to please him, to win him over when god, he wasn’t even on his own team anymore, everything that he was belonged to Erik. But he couldn’t just say, ‘No, Erik, I won’t help you,’ because unlike he liked to tell himself, he just didn’t have that ability.

 On the other hand, when Erik found out, he wasn’t going to be happy with Charles at all. He’d be furious that Charles didn’t tell him, that he’d bared his soul twice when really the people he’d been baring it to had been one and the same. He wouldn’t understand why Charles had done what he’d done. Yet Charles just couldn’t openly profess his love, he had to be sure of Erik first.

**_‘…I think I could change for you, if you really wanted me to. I could lose this persona and become who I am, who you so eagerly wish me to be. For you I could, and I’d do it without a second thought, because you so fully believe in me, how could I not believe in what you so readily see…’_ **

_‘…Erik, please don’t hate me. I couldn’t bear it. This love I have for you, I could compare it to a disease. I am powerless to stop it and it’s always there, controlling everything I do. And I hope that you won’t see it, but sometimes I think you know it’s there, just crawling under my skin and making me unfit for anyone else but you, the infector and the cure. Then again I can only pray you don’t hate me already for likening our, or rather my love, to a disease…”_

“Well?” Erik prompted, and he was fiddling, unable to stay still as he’d watched over Charles’ shoulder as he read the letter and then become immediately lost in thought.

“Right, sorry,” Charles cleared his throat, jerking back to attention, and maybe something else, surrounded by Erik’s scent and the heavy nervous breathing on his neck, “Erik… This is wonderful! He’ll absolutely love it. It’s all you, my friend, and I daresay that is all he wants.”

“You think so?” Erik asked, and tilting his head back Charles could see the uncertainty in his eyes, the way he nervously ran a hand through his hair only to place it back down next to Charles.

_‘… Sometimes Erik I want so badly to kiss you. Sometimes I just want to hold you. Or run my fingers through your hair like you do when you’re unsure of things, to soothe you. Most times I want to feel you on top of me, holding my body down with yours until I completely surrender…’_

“I think so,” Charles confirmed, not daring to lean back a little and rest against his Erik, “Definitely put it wherever you get his letters from.”

~~~

_‘…Who am I? A boy. A boy hopelessly, ridiculously and stupidly in love with you. What else would you like to know? My eyes, they sparkle when I think of you, and my legs would run wherever you’d request that I be, I have knees that shake in your presence, and lips that dry while I wait for your kiss. I possess eyes that devour your presence, hands that request your touch, skin that aches for your warmth. What more would you have me tell you? What more would you have me give you, Erik? Would you have me unveiled? How do I trust you when you so easily keep doing this to me? And this, what is this you ask? Angel. Angel is this, Emma is this, Jean is this. And so are Kitty, and Natasha, and Laura, and fuck you Erik. Just like you’ve fucked them…’_

There is turmoil everywhere. Everywhere Charles looks there is Erik, there are people talking of his conquests, women he’s hugged, kissed, touched, fucked and Charles has no option but to be done. It hurts, and god does it hurt too much.

“Charles, please, I’ve hurt him, he won’t write me, help me fix it,” Erik pleaded and Charles could only hide his tears, shake his head, cradle his heart and say, “I don’t think he wants you to fix it anymore, Erik. Let it go.”

He becomes busy, too busy to help Erik, too busy to read the letters growing inside a shoebox under his bed, too busy to ride home with Erik and Raven anymore, too busy to do anything but feel the gaping hole he’s fed in his heart and someday, any day soon he’s afraid he’ll feel too much, that he’ll feel nothing at all. He has to get it out, but now the letters stay unedited, in his journal love letters to eyes that will never see them.

_‘… Is it because I’m not worth it? Are we too different? Erik, I want to fix it, I do. ~~But how can I fix this broken fucking mess, I’m not sure it’s even worth it.~~ Were they worth it, Erik? Will they love you like me…’_

_‘…I get it. I get it, I get it, I GET IT. Acceptance, you need acceptance, but I can give you that, I can love you for everything you are! ~~But that’s a lie isn’t it? I can’t really, because I can’t love the fact that you are a philandering asshole, that~~ I love and hate all at once…’_

_‘…Please, please, please, let me be enough…’_

_~~~_

**_‘… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Come back to me, please ,I need you. I didn’t know until now, but now I do. I do know and I do see me, I see you, and I see you so clearly. The boy who could love someone as fucked up as me. I see me now. I don’t need their approval, their love, their anything, only you. Only you is all I will ever need and have ever needed…’_ **

“Charles?” Erik asked through his door, his voice slurred and heavy, “Charles, can I come in, will you please open the door? I have to tell you something of vital… very important information that you need to see.”

Charles ignores his voice, ignores the sounds of the party Erik and Raven are throwing downstairs that has been raging for hours, and pulls another pillow over his head, not quite able to block out the pounding on his door and the sounds of Erik trying to form a proper sentence.

“Charles, I’m not… I am not going to go, I won’t go away until I come in there. Let me in, please, because I don’t know what … you hate me, okay, but what have I done? He hates me more and I need your help, I have to fix it, or I’m alone forever, Charles, forever, do you hear me?”

All the while the knocking is getting louder and louder until Raven’s voice, accompanied by a jingling noise says, “Shut up ‘rik, I got the keys, and I’ll open the damn door if you stop pounding on it,” and that is how Erik ends up stumbling into his darkened room, closing the door behind him and falling into bed with Charles.

“Do you have your bloody shoes on?” he growled, annoyed more than anything, annoyed enough that he is pissed to register that after all of this, this is how Erik winds up in his bed, drunk, waving around a piece of paper and wearing his filthy shoes.

“Why yes, Charles, I am, how kind of you to notice, but no that is not what this is about, at all, okay? It’s about my life and I need you to read this and tell me if it’s okay, tell me if it will fix it, because I know he doesn’t care and I know you told me to give it up but damn it I just can’t and I won’t, and so I need you to please, can you read this for me? Just please?”

Erik was pleading, lying next to Charles in his bed and the moonlight coming through the cracks in the blinds are worshipping his face, caressing and calling Charles to join them.

“Please?” Erik whispered, his eyes swimmingly bright, tears gathering in the corner, seeking permission to fall but Erik quickly wiped them away, looking ashamed that Charles might see them and continued, “It’s just that he saw me, you know? And I think … I did belong to him. Just as much as he belonged to me. I still do. But I didn’t acknowledge it to anybody, least of all him and he didn’t know Charles, nobody knew, and he didn’t and fuck I messed up.”

His eyes have fluttered shut and the paper is lying between them so Charles picked it up, brought it very close to his eyes and squinted to read it in the darkness.

**_‘…I can fix it. I’ll never stop trying. I’ll change. You’ll see, just give me a chance. And even if you won’t I’ll do it anyway. I have to, because you’ve made me love you…’_ **

“Erik?” he breathed, his hope sounding so loud in his ears, cradling the paper to his chest, “Erik it will fix everything. I promise.”

“You think so?” Erik whispered back, rolling so that his torso was on top of Charles’ an elbow supporting him on either side, his face so close Charles could feel his breath on his lips and couldn’t stop his tongue from darting out to wet them.

“I know so, Erik. You can do it. And I’ll only love you more for trying,” Charles sighed happily, throwing his arms around the drunk love of his life, and pulling him down for a tight hug, because hey he wouldn’t really remember this in the morning, and it felt so good to be able to tell Erik he loved him to his face.

“Charles?”  Erik questioned a moment later, pulling back and looking into his eyes, and that’s it for Charles.

He’s waited and he’s wanted and he has it, he has Erik in his bed, Erik touching him, looking at him, _seeing him,_ yes god finally, then he’s moving forward and eagerly pressing his lips to Erik’s, fingers already seeking purchase in his hair when Erik’s body catches up to the proceedings.

He shifts over until his body is completely covering Charles’, eliciting a pleased happy little moan that Charles tries to stop but keeps happening regardless of his effort, and Erik seems to be indulging in it, if the way he begins to lazily move against him counts as any indication.

Things were going pretty well in Charles’ opinion, until Erik abruptly stiffened and stopped any type of movement whatsoever.

“Oh my god, Charles,” he moaned, jumping off the bed and holding out his arms like Charles might attack him from where he’s lying, “I’m so sorry, I can’t do this! I want to, God do I want to, but I’ve got to stop. I’m trying to be a different person, a better person, Charles, for the guy who loves me because I want him to love me too.”

Charles was at a complete loss for words. He’s ecstatic, he’s happy, he felt like he’s been drugged. He’s kissed Erik, he’s laid with Erik, he’s heard the word love twice now, and Erik is seriously trying to change for him just like he promised.

“We can still be friends, okay? But we can’t fool around. At all. I’ll add this in the letter and hopefully he’ll forgive me, sorry Charles. Thanks for everything you’ve done,” Erik rushed on and then darted out of the room, twenty times more sober than he’d been when he’d entered.

‘ ** _…I kissed Charles Xavier. Or more like he kissed me. Point being, I stopped. I stopped kissing this boy. This boy I’ve kind of loved forever, but decided he was just too good for the likes of me. I had a chance and I let it go, I’ll let him go if you need me to. Because I love you now and only you…’_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I told people to expect more Thursday/Friday... Oops. I lied. You got more today. So last part I'll probably post this weekend sometime :)


	3. The End Will Set You Free.

‘… _Erik, Erik what is there to say other than I love you? Other than here, my heart, my soul, my body, take it. It’s yours. Please, keep me. Keep me and only me. Even if I’ve fucked up. I’m afraid to let you see me…’_

“Erik, why are you avoiding my house?” Raven demanded, smacking a hand against the side of his car, making him jump and tear the corner of the letter he was reading. He should have known she’d skip their last hour to hang out in his car, especially since he’d done it first.

“It’s been two weeks!”

“Shit, Raven, I swear I’m not, I’m just really busy lately okay?” he replied, trying to sneak the letter away before she could get a proper look at it, but before he’d even moved, she snatched it out of his hands and darted around the vehicle, her eyes scanning the page hungrily.

“Fuck. Erik. This is serious,” she excitedly whispers moments later, sidling back up to the car where Erik is sitting with his head pressed to the steering wheel, “Proclamations of love? Why didn’t you tell me it had gotten this far?”

Erik shrugs, trying to change the subject to something he’s more comfortable discussing with his best friend, “So I’m avoiding your house.”

_‘… I miss you. Where are you? You’re leaving me, my friend, my love, and you don’t even mean too. What a strange thing, the way we can hurt another without knowing, the way we can make them love us…’_

“Thought so,” she harrumphs, crossing her arms, the letter lying innocently in her lap, “Why? I told you that I’d hide my porn stash better next time, so you really don’t have anything to worry about. I even cleaned my room.”

He has to tell her. Needs to tell her what he remembers about that night. About being desperate for Charles to forgive him, desperate for Charles to read his letter and make it all better. Tell her that he’d kissed Charles. He’d acted on a want he’d had for years, only to not remember in the morning. Tell her that he didn’t know how passionate Charles was, or how his lips tasted, and that the only reason he knew he’d done it was because he’d left the room to sit at the table and compose a drunken apology letter.  A letter that said the same thing over and over.

**_‘…His lips, most glorious, more glorious than anything. How can I love both of you so readily? How do I fix it? How do I not need what I can ‘t have and move on? You love me already. He never will…’_ **

He’d never sent that letter.

He keeps it in his pocket to remind himself that want and need are too different things. To remind himself that Charles will never be his. To remind himself that he already belongs to another.

“I kissed Charles,” Erik mumbled miserably, looking over at his friend.

He expected anger; anger for leading on, taking advantage of, hurting her brother. Or maybe he had hoped for her understanding. He had never told Raven how he’d felt about her younger brother, but he was sure she knew anyway, she was oddly perceptive in those matters.

Erik was prepared for the slap he got on his arm, but he didn’t expect it to be so gentle, an almost nudge. He wasn’t prepared for Raven’s little laugh and grin as she said, “Well that explains the dopey face he’s had for the past week or so.”

‘ _…I feel like spring has come, Erik. After a long bitter winter that every relationship has, those mystical times that bring them crashing together, neither knowing who they were before. I feel alive because you exist…’_

“What do you mean?” Erik asked, watching out of the corner of his eye as Emma Frost excited the school building.He’d successfully managed to stay clear of her and most of the other girls he’d had any kind of connection to all week. And Charles. He’d steered clear of Charles like his life depended on it.

He’d tried to make sure Charles never saw him. Whenever he did he would get a look on his face, a look that tore at Erik’s heart, because his face was so open to Erik. Erik remembered always watching him when he wasn’t aware, dreaming of him, longing for him and knowing he could never have him.

These same feelings were in the look Charles was giving him now, if he looked hard enough and pretended for a moment that Charles wasn’t too unspoiled to be touched by his taint.

“He’s been floating around, humming stupid songs and I asked him yesterday, I said, ‘Charles, are you in love or have you been doing drugs?’ and he seriously stopped dancing around, looked at me all deadpan and said, ‘Raven, drugs are bad for you.’ So obviously he’s got a big old’ man crush on my widdle Erik here,” Raven cooed happily, reaching over and pinching his cheek with an unnecessary fierceness.

_‘… Erik, I was going to ask you if you’ve ever been in love. But then I remembered your letter. You love me. And then my heart grew too big and shattered. Could I handle a love like yours? I want to believe I can have all of it, may I?...’_

Raven continued on happily, oblivious to the growing panic on her companion’s face, “You’ll have to get married, what with the way you two are always mooning about over each other.”

When he didn’t answer she prompted him with a teasing, “Don’t lie Erik, I know despite your wondering eye, you’ve got a massive geek boner for my brother and as luck has it, he has a-”

“Raven, shut up,” Erik snapped, reaching over and grabbing the letter out of her lap.

_‘…Please Erik, please tell me that you’ll love me and not the idea of me. You are worth me. You are worth every inch, every molecule, every breath that I can give you. You are more than you believe. I need you to know that…’_

“Jeez, what’s your prob-,” Raven’s voice broke off mid-sentence, the pissed look on her face giving way to comprehension, “You’re in love with the letter person.”

Erik swallows roughly, forcing out in barely a whisper, “And Charles.”

He doesn’t really want to see the look of pity she gives him. He knows whatever he does it won’t end well. He’ll either be the piner, or the pinee.

“Do you want to talk about it, Erik?” Raven asked after a few minutes of silence.

“No. Not now. I need to think. I need to figure out what I’m going to do,” he said quietly and when she gave him a small nod and exited the car, he climbed into the backseat and lay there thinking of the last time he’d seen Charles.

He’d been headed to biology class, Charles headed the other direction. As soon as he’d seen Erik, Charles’ face had gone from a shy smile to a bit grin, a grin that Erik had pretended he hadn’t seen and didn’t return, a grin that faded into a heartbroken smile and for a second Erik regretted the kiss.

_‘… Kiss me, Erik. Kiss me and never let me go, hold me and never let me go, breath me and never let me go. Be mine, and I yours and I will never let you go…’_

If they hadn’t done it, maybe he could have continued to have Charles as a friend. But now, thanks to a kiss he couldn’t even remember, it was all or nothing. Nothing being the more likely option.

How could they be anything more? Charles deserved the absolute best, better than anyone he knew and he wasn’t that worthy, not compared to the magnificence that was Charles.

But didn’t his letter writer always tell him he was more? He could be more? If Charles wanted him to be he could. He would for Charles. Because his Charles was genuine. His Charles was sincere and openly loved everyone. His Charles could see the good hiding in Erik’s bad.

Just like his letter writer. But who would know him better? What did he know? He had only seen the letter writer’s words. Words that had been edited many times, had probably been looked up in a dictionary and penned in the best penmanship that could be managed. That was all he knew.

Charles. Charles he knew and had known for what seemed like his whole life. He knew his kindness, his brilliance, his passion, his beauty. He knew Charles and he craved his existence to be meshed with his more than anything else his young mind could comprehend.

Yes he would be happy with this writer. He could be happy because he would be loved and cherished. But would he be able to give this person his whole being when he was already so consumed with another? This person loved him and said he deserved better than he pretended to be, but he also deserved to be loved as wholly as he loved. And Erik was slowly realizing that he could only give that kind of love to one person and him only.

He needed to tell them both the truth. He had to be the man his writer knew he could be, the man Charles deserved. He had to let his writer go, and chase after Charles, make it all better. If Charles was in love, like Raven said, he would wait. He would be there for Charles, a friend if necessary. Anything as long as he could be next to him, could watch him just be.

He sighed deeply, digging his English notes out of his bag and grabbing a mechanical pencil from the floor.

‘ ** _… I don’t know how to do this. We can’t be because I love Charles Xavier and the only thing I can think about is that I finally kissed him, and don’t remember how beautiful it must have been, what it must have been like to have the one I dream of so intimately close to me.  I am so sorry. I want to thank you for believing in me, for showing me I was more than I had ever thought. For giving me the courage to go after what I thought I could never have. You have shown me otherwise and I can not pretend anything further between us would work. I do not want to hurt you, and I am going to go out and try to do things that would make you proud anyway. Thank you, sorry and goodbye my friend. Much love and appreciation, a better Erik…’_**

He read it over and over, hoping that a simple letter like this written and delivered was enough to resolve the matter. He hoped it conveyed everything he needed it to, and wouldn’t leave the other person desolate or heartbroken but happy that he had made a change in someone’s life for the better.

Pleased with what he’d written, and thinking that he’ll write it again on better paper and in felt pen, he sat up, reaching into the front seat to grab his backpack, only to see Charles startled face peering into his windshield.

_‘… I am a brave person, Erik. But I get so scared when I think of you finding out who I am. What if you don’t love me back? Or hate me for not properly telling you when I’ve had a dozen chances? I don’t think I could survive your rejection…’_

“Charles?” he half questioned, half greeted, wondering why he was standing outside of his car in the middle of a school day, having just realized he was elated to see him before Charles had whirled and taken off in the other direction.

“Charles, wait, come back,” Erik yelled after him, crushing the  letter in his hand in his haste to get out of the car and follow, “I need to talk to you!”

Charles paid his words no mind, running faster as Erik gained on him, dodging between cars and glancing back every few seconds, a look of pure panic on his face.

“Charles, please,” Erik called out, watching as the boy ahead of him hesitated at the urgency or plea leaking through his voice, giving him enough time to catch up.

“You run fast for being so academically inclined,” Erik laughed, bending over to catch his breath, “What were you doing standing outside my car? You scared the crap out of me.”

  
“I didn’t know you were in there,” Charles whispered unable to force more volume into his voice. His face had turned a bright red and his eyes were look everywhere but at Erik’s face. He had a blue envelope clutched tightly between both hands and when he noticed Erik looking at it he tried to ease it out of sight, but Erik’s reflexes were quick from dealing with Raven and he’d grabbed  and opened it before Charles even realized.

_‘… Erik, I’m torn. Tell you or don’t tell you. You’re torn. You feel guilty about kissing Charles. What if you could have both of us? What if you could have him? Could you be happy with him? I don’t ask this in anger or fear, I ask because I want to come clean to you, I want to be someone you can really trust…”_

The paper in his hands drifted to the concrete as he read, his hand going slack in surprise while he digested the confession of sorts  held in his hand and everything fell into place..

He immediately read it again. And then again. The fact that Charles’ had bent over and scooped up his own written decision not registering. The look of embarrassment and happiness that spread over the other boy’s  face went unnoticed by Erik, the tears of joy that crept into his eyes or the content way he licked his lips and cradled the letter to his heart were unseen.

“Erik, my name is Charles Xavier, and I love every bit of you more than you could ever imagine,”  Erik read aloud, his eyes moving from Charles’ paper to his face, body still except for a slight tremble in the hand holding the letter.

“Charles?” Erik whispered, taking a step closer. He folded the letter reverently, tucked it in his jacket, never taking his eyes off of Charles’. With one hand holding the letter in his pocket, he gave into an old desire and lifted the other  up to caress Charles’ cheek.

“Erik?” Charles smiled back nervously, his feet fidgeted as if they wanted to take a step back to make up for the lack of space, but his body itself was leaning forward.

“I love you, Charles Xavier, letter writing extordinare,” he grinned, all his teeth showing for an instant only to disappear as his pink lips closed and met Charles’ red ones, melting together in a way that should have happened forever ago and would hopefully never end.

_‘… And I just know that you’ll keep me forever. You’ll treasure me and love me as I will you, and become the person I know you are underneath all of the pretenses. And I want to be there for all of it. I want to help you discover yourself, for yourself. I love you.  Always...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. Sorry about the wait between 2 and 3, crazy, crazy things have been going on in my life and I haven't been up to doing much of anything, let alone fufill my fandom duties. And every time I saw the original ending I decided I hated it and needed to rewrite it, only I hated everything I wrote instead. I seriously had about four different endings written out. But I liked this one best. Anyways, hope you enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> Woo. New Pseud for new writing, which means everything posted on here will be already completed so no more waiting for twenty years for me to update my shit. So things under this name, finished already, things posted on my other? Only time will tell. Thanks to Tiwy and Stavier for input <3


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